November Q&A – Rest, Real Recovery, and Staying the Course

This month’s questions were so rich. You asked about exercise compulsion, whether recovery ever truly settles, how to tell a wobble from a relapse, why cereal becomes the evening love affair, what to do when everyone else is dieting, whether incidental movement “breaks” recovery, using alcohol to quiet the ED voice, and whether you really have to keep increasing when people start saying “you look well.”

These are the exact places recovery tries to stall. So let’s walk through them together.

1) “Is exercise compulsion basically an addiction to energy deficit? If so, how can I ever move again?”

You asked such an important question here. It can feel like an addiction, can’t it? That rush after movement, the relief, the sense of “I’m safe again.”

What I want you to know is this: in eating disorder recovery, the body often becomes attached not so much to exercise itself, but to the state of deficit — that wired, light, controlled feeling you get from under-eating and over-moving. The body releases stress hormones and endorphins in that state, and it can feel oddly good, even though it’s harming you.

That’s why rest is essential for a while. Not as punishment, not forever — but so your brain can stop pairing movement with safety and start learning that safety comes from nourishment and rest.

Can you ever move again freely? Yes. Absolutely yes. You’ll know you’re ready when:

• you can rest without guilt,

• you can eat without adjusting movement,

• and movement feels joyful, not compulsory.

Movement was never the enemy. Fear was. And fear can heal.

2) “Does recovery ever fully settle down or do I have to work on it forever?”

I love this one. The short answer is: yes, it really does get easier.

Recovery isn’t a straight line. There are days you’ll feel free and days you’ll wobble. That doesn’t mean you’ll be “in recovery” forever in the exhausting, all-consuming way it feels at the start.

Once you’ve truly nourished, rested, gone through the feelings, and rewired the old patterns, it stops being hard work and starts being how you live. Food becomes food. Rest becomes rest. Movement becomes a choice.

You may still have the odd wobbly day — we all do — but you won’t spiral like before, because now you have self-trust. You notice, you respond, you carry on. That’s recovery.

3) “How do I know if it’s a small setback or a full relapse?”

This is such a perfectionist worry — and I say that with love.

Here’s how I see it:

• A setback is when you did an old behaviour (skipped a snack, walked a bit more than planned, avoided a fear food)… and then you noticed, reflected, and came back to recovery. That’s still recovery.

• A relapse is when the old behaviours become the default again and you stop coming back.

So it’s not “did I do something ED-ish?” It’s “did I return to myself afterwards?”

You driving to walk the dogs and then wondering, “Was that the ED?” — that’s recovery. You were aware. Awareness is you winning.

We don’t measure recovery by perfection. We measure it by how quickly and kindly you come back.

4) “Why am I clinging to cereal at night? Am I avoiding what I really want?”

This one made me smile because it’s so common.

Cereal is a classic “safe-but-nice” food in recovery. It’s easy, predictable, sweet but not too scary, can be eaten standing up, and doesn’t feel as risky as cake or chocolate. So the brain thinks: we can have this… let’s just keep having this.

That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It just means your brain has found the food that feels safest right now.

What we want to do is expand, not restrict. So don’t take cereal away — just start pairing it with something slightly more challenging, or have cereal earlier and something different in the evening. Bit by bit you teach your brain: all foods are safe, not just this one.

You’re not weird. You’re healing.

5) “How do I cope with gaining weight in recovery when everyone around me is dieting and being praised?”

Oh sweetheart, this one hurts.

First, I want to gently reflect something back to you: when you call yourself “a frump” and call everyone else “fabulous,” you’re reinforcing the very belief system that’s hurting you. Recovery can’t grow in soil where you keep telling yourself you’re less-than.

You are doing something unbelievably courageous — choosing nourishment in a world that celebrates shrinking. That’s not failure. That’s strength.

So when people around you are dieting, ask:

• “Do I actually want to go back to that?”

• “What are they chasing?”

• “What am I building?”

Your language matters. Speak about yourself like someone who’s doing holy work — because you are.

6) “I’ve stopped all compulsive movement, but I still walked from the car / went shopping with family / played on the beach. Did I mess up? And I stopped eating when I was actually full — was that wrong?”

No, love — that’s life.

What you described is incidental, unplanned movement that wasn’t driven by fear, pace, or rules. That’s very different from “I must walk X steps to earn dinner.”

Recovery doesn’t mean avoiding living. It means letting go of control. And you did that — you didn’t set the pace, you didn’t compensate, you just joined in. That’s recovery.

The same with fullness: if you ate your baseline, have been consistently challenging, and on one occasion stopped because you were genuinely full — that’s body trust. We only question it if it becomes a pattern or if we know we stopped from fear, not fullness.

You’re doing beautifully. Stay curious, not critical.

7) “I restrict in the day, have alcohol at night and then I can finally eat… but I feel ashamed the next day.”

This is such an honest share, and no — you’re not the only one.

What’s happening here is: alcohol is acting like temporary permission. It lowers the volume of the ED voice so that your body can finally ask for what it wanted all day.

So the problem isn’t actually the evening. The problem is the restriction earlier.

What you’re showing yourself is: “When I feel safer, I eat more.” So let’s work on creating that safety without alcohol — by eating earlier, speaking to yourself more kindly, and removing the “I have to earn it” rules.

No shame needed. This is just your nervous system showing you what it needs.

8) “People are saying ‘you look well’ and I’m already gaining on what I’m eating. Do I still need to keep increasing?”

I hear this one a lot.

“You look well” can feel like “you look bigger,” and the ED loves to grab that and say: stop now. But looking well simply means your body is starting to come back to life. It doesn’t mean you’re done.

Weight gain ≠ full recovery. Your brain still needs rewiring. Your nervous system still needs consistency. Your relationship with food still needs to soften.

So yes — even if your body is already changing, it’s still worth continuing to increase, to challenge, to build variety, and to keep going until food is peaceful and rest is safe.

You’ve done too much to stop halfway.

You Are Doing It

Every single one of these questions came from someone who wants to get well and is brave enough to tell the truth about where it still feels hard.

That’s you.

You’re not doing this wrong. You’re doing it thoughtfully. You’re catching things earlier. You’re speaking to yourself more kindly. That’s recovery.

And I’m so, so proud of you. 💛